I've shared before on this blog about how God has begun showing me the ways my ongoing weight issues are interwoven with my bondage to perfectionism. The first sentence I read yesterday was - "One of the triggers for compulsive and emotional eating is our expectation of perfection from others - and sometimes worse, from ourselves." Know how you read something and TRUTH begins to ring in your soul? Well, the bell of truth to began to clang very loudly when I read that sentence. That was enough to make me stop and take a deep breath . . . a deep breath of the Spirit, to find the courage to ask Him to show me how this was true in my life.
For many years I believed the lie of the enemy that my perfectionism was a GOOD thing. He told me it was a "spirit of excellence" and I was even prideful at times about what attention to detail I gave things. After all, my name - Beverly - means "industrious" or "diligent spirit" - so doesn't it stand to reason that I would be one who would strive for excellence? Hmmm . . . I'm a little slow to catch on sometimes but it finally dawned on me that something that aided and abetted a spirit of pride in me was NOT a good thing! Perfectionism that filled me with self-loathing anytime I failed to meet my own stilted expectations did NOT honor God. And isn't that the very definition of bondage? Something that keeps us from being what God wants us to be . . . something that prevents us from honoring Him. Now, don't get me wrong, I truly believe that God desires for us to have a spirit of excellence about the things He calls us to do. We should work to the best of our abilities and always with the objective of our accomplishments bringing glory to HIM. But, see, that's how the enemy perverts God's truth in our minds. He leads us to believe the excellence is OUR responsibility. How he must laugh when we fall on our faces in failure and frustration. But let me tell you something, when we're flat on the ground on our faces because we've failed, there's a way to make the enemy stop laughing. Instead of wallowing in our misery . . . instead of punishing ourselves through compulsive or emotional eating (which I've done many MANY times) . . . we can stay right there on our face long enough to humble ourselves before God and cry out to Him. The enemy won't be laughing long. God's word says: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." James 4:10
When I read that first sentence yesterday God began to show me another lie of the enemy that I have believed for a long time. I have always thought that though I demanded perfection from myself, I did not expect it from others. God began to show me my heart in the light of His truth. That's not always fun . . . but it's always freeing. I began to see how I internalize the failure of others to meet my expectations. Sometimes it's hurt feelings . . . sometimes it's anger . . . sometimes it's disappointment. . . it can be any of a whole plethora of emotions. Further, because I dislike confrontation and have never truly learned to "speak the truth in love" as God's word instructs, more often than not I internalize these emotions and let them send me running for the "comfort" of food in compulsive eating.
I glanced at the devotional title and asked; "Is that true, Lord? AM I expecting too much?" Yes! If I expect perfection from myself, I am expecting too much. Yes! If I expect perfection (or my perception of it) from others, I am expecting too much. You know why? Because God's word says "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 Not "some" - ALL! People - myself included - are always going to fall short of God's glory. So how can I learn to quit letting these "short falls" (or failures) trigger compulsive and emotional eating in me? How can I change my expectations to fall within appropriate levels and allow myself - and others - grace for today?
God spoke:
- I'm raising up a standard
- The power of My word
- The enemy comes in like a flood
- THE ENEMY COMES IN LIKE A FLOOD
- GOD IS RAISING UP A STANDARD
- THE POWER OF HIS WORD
"The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword. It penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12 If I am to learn to conform my expectations to acceptable, appropriate levels that allows grace for my failures (and those of others) then the standard for my expectations must be centered in God's Word. He wants me to surrender all my expectations to Him and line them up with His word. It must forever be my one and only standard. I must recognize that I will always have failures and setbacks along my way to becoming who and what He plans for me to be. Life is a process. I simply need to confess my failures to Him, receive His forgiveness (and forgive myself and others) and embrace His grace in my life. His grace comes to me through His word, through Christian friends, biblical counsel, preaching and corporate worship at church, reading Christian books ... many ways. But do you notice, all of them involve the ministry of His word in some way?
Am I going to change overnight and my tendency toward perfectionism miraculously disappear? I wish! But I doubt that will happen. Usually change is a slow process. Usually it takes time for new ways of thinking to take root. Usually it's the small day to day steps that God uses to build humility and refine our character. I'm in it for the long-haul so pray for me, okay? I want to persevere. What about you? Your struggles may be a world apart from mine; but could God be showing you that you have allowed the enemy to come in like a flood and it's time for you to run to the banner of His presence for refuge? Like me, could God be telling you that the power of His word is your standard for change? I welcome your feedback and comments. What's God saying to you?
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