At a time in my life when my personal time for study, quiet meditation, and simply being alone with God is greatly inhibited - by the aforementioned preschoolers, their teenage siblings and an ever-present retired husband (who currently has a near terminal case of cabin fever that awaits the cure of Spring weather) - I am, in the midst of not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE different studies! Have I lost the small remnant that was left of my ever-loving mind?? Maybe! And, no, I don't get to study in all five of them everyday. And, no, this is NOT something I recommend. But, oh my goodness, God is SO good! His grace is SO sufficient! His word is SO powerful! He SO often takes the individual studies and meshes them together into a central theme that I am absolutely awestruck by what He says to me through them collectively. In case you are wondering ... no, these are not studies that necessarily "go together". For those who are interested; (1) I'm going back through Breaking Free (by Beth Moore) which I originally did in 1999 when I was on the outer edge of entering my wilderness wanderings into clinical depression. God is using it this time to show to me how fully it is for freedom that He is setting me free. He's done SO much it my life! This study is tremendously encouraging as I look to the work we've yet to do and recognize how far He's brought me already! (2) For these 40 days of Lent, I am using Walter Wangerin Jr.'s wonderful devotional, Reliving the Passion. (3) I'm reading, thinking through and meditating on the truths in John & Stasi Eldredge's book, Captivating .. Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. (4) I'm working through Lose It for Life by Stephen Arterburn which I originally began but never finished in 1995. (5) I'm participating (LOVING, and devouring) Beth Moore's study on the Psalms of Ascent, Stepping Up, as part of a group study at church. While none of these five studies were designed to compliment the other, all five of them are based on God's Word. And God's Word never contradicts itself. It has continuity from Genesis through Revelation. And the Spirit of God, in His marvelous ministry as teacher, takes the TRUTH from any part of His word and applies it directly to our point of need.
The theme of His ministry to me today was - FEAR. How many times in my life have I sung Bill Gaither's wonderful song, Because He Lives? How many times have you? We've raised our voices (and sometimes our hands) and sung "because He lives all fear is gone". I didn't mean to be a liar when I sang that, did you? The truth is, because we are humans, we are all afraid sometimes. When we were little children, perhaps it was the "Big Bad Wolf" that scared us. What Big Bad Wolf scares us today? What Big Bad Wolf are we afraid will gobble us up like he did Red Riding Hood's grandmother? What Big Bad Wolf are we afraid will huff and puff and blow our house down like he did the first two of the Three Little Pigs?
You may want to read the whole 14th chapter of Mark's gospel to get this scene in your mind. The setting is the garden of Gethsemane. Brief hours before, Jesus had shared His last Passover meal with His beloved disciples. He had predicted His betrayal and their being scattered. They had been incredulous. He had offered them His "cup" and they all drank from it. At the conclusion of the meal, hearts joined in one accord, they sang the Hallel together, left the upper room, and departed through one of the gates of the walled city of Jerusalem (which still stands today). They proceeded past the temple, across the Kidron Valley and up the embankment to the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus entered into an intense time of solitude with His Father pleading that this "cup" be taken from Him but conceding that what was to come would be the Father's will, not His own. Gethsemane is at the base of the Mount of Olives and about eye-level with the temple mount in Jerusalem but separated by the winding Kidron Valley. Travel from the city to the garden necessitates a steep and winding decent down one side of the valley and then an equally steep and winding ascent up to the garden. From their vantage point in Gethsemane, Jesus and His disciples could have seen the torch bearing crowd who came from the chief priests, scribes and elders from the time they left the temple until they arrived in the garden. Walter Wangerin suggests it might have appeared "as a snake of fire slithering its way through the darkness of the night" . . . and the kiss of betrayal by Judas on Jesus' cheek "as the strike of the fangs of the dreaded serpent". What an awesome comparison! Can you picture it in your mind?
It is in this scene that the arrest of Jesus is made and His followers forsake Him and flee. [Mk 14:50] I enter this scene in spirit and find myself asking "What would I have done had I been there in that garden with Jesus that fateful night?" What would you have done? No doubt, I would have forsaken Him and fled just like the others. My only question is, would I have hidden in the bushes in the darkness of the night . . . would I have been able to control the pounding of my heart and the heavy breathing of my terror enough to prevent discovery of my hiding place . . . or would I have run as fast and as far as I could? As naturally clumsy as I am and as dark as it would have been, I'd have probably tripped a dozen times if I tried to run - that's awfully rocky terrain where the base of the Mount of Olives meets the Kidron Valley. When I am faced with a "flight or freeze" response to fear today, I usually freeze. So, I'm guessing I would have gone only as far as the first good hiding place! What about you?
Self-preservation is a strong and often consuming aspect of our human nature. Those disciples were faced with the fear that association with Jesus would mean they too would be arrested . . .they too might face death. What about today? Do we have to fear that association with Jesus might mean we may have our lives threatened? I have to ask myself, what would I have done if I were crouched in hiding under a table in the Columbine High School library and a gun-wielding student in a long black trench coat demanded I deny Christ or die? Would I choose death? What if I lived in one of the areas of our world today where Christians are being persecuted and even executed for their faith? How openly would I wear the badge of "Believer"? Though this is not equivalent in any way, shape or form to the persecution many believers around the world are facing and it certainly is not a threat of physical death; still, I must ask: how do I respond to Hollywood's persecution of my beliefs when it comes into my home through the television in the way of belittling jokes and put-downs? Do I sometimes shamefully laugh with others in the room?
If the threat of physical annihilation came to my door because of my belief in Jesus, I know what I HOPE I would do. I hope I would embrace Philippians 1:21 and say with the apostle Paul, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" and have no fear of physical death. But I learned long ago, what I hope I would do or what I think I would do is not always what I DO. Until I am actually in the situation . . . until it is my present reality, I cannot truly know what I would do.
Fear often activates the dark side of our personality. When it takes hold, our emotions, our attitudes, and often even our behavior becomes distorted. We move into a defense posture . . . a protection mode birthed by our deeply ingrained self-preservation instinct. We begin to GUARD.
- We guard ourselves and focus on what we may lose. I have to ask myself, is that what keeps me from giving myself unreservedly to my husband as I pray to? Is it some unnamed fear? If I let go of some of the defense mechanisms I've erected over the years, what am I afraid it might cost me? (ref my "What If?" post)
- We guard what we perceive as our rights and focus on what we think we deserve. When we fear losing life as we want it - did you hear that last phrase? - not when we fear losing our life but when we fear losing life as we want it ... quite a difference! It's then that our own unmet demands for satisfaction (our "rights") cause a continual lack of contentment - a constant state of dissatisfaction. For those of us with food issues, those unmet demands often drive us straight to excessive eating and unhealthy choices. And it all goes back to FEAR.
- We guard our image and fear what we may fail to attain . . . love, acceptance, respect, esteem. I may perceive an element of misunderstanding or even judgment regarding my depression from the expressions or comments of some in my bible study group. I ask myself, should I be more careful about what I share openly? Will I allow fear to make me desire to please man more than God? You see, I don't like sharing about my depression. Mental illness carries a certain stigma in our society. People don't always understand. I know from experience because I've been on that side of the dividing wall. There have been times when I have piously thought depression was an indication of spiritual lack. Oh my! How VERY much I had to learn! Though I detest giving voice to my years of depression, God has asked me to do that very thing. He desires that others see His all surpassing power in my jar of clay. I am nothing without His indwelling and power. My deliverance from depression is His glory and His alone. Before my depression, I had a reputation - a testimony - an "image" if you will - and it was such that, out of their respect for me no one in my life seemed to hold me accountable. I'd been a Bible teacher for many years. I'd held numerous positions in the church. I went to to my pastor when I decided to "leave the church". I wanted him to understand that what I was doing did not reflect on him or the church but was for personal reasons. Never once did he say, "Beverly, those reasons aren't valid. They aren't scriptural." He simply said, "I understand." I went to a Christian physician. When I declined to accept some things she was suggesting medically and voiced my reasons, she never once said, "Beverly, those reasons aren't sound. They don't hold up physically, mentally or spiritually. They aren't scriptural." She simply said, "I understand." I went to a Christian counseling center. The first thing the counselor said to me was, "Your reputation proceeds you." Week after wasted week she listened to me. Never once did she correct my reasoning - which was VERY flawed. Never once did she say, "No, that's not what the Word means." She simply said, "I understand." The truth was, NONE of them understood! Would it have made a difference if someone had held me accountable? I don't know. What I do know is that God has told me my years of depression, as hard as they were for me (and my family) were beneficial. He has taught me some things I might not have learned any other way. And though fear of what others may think of me when I share about it often grips my heart, share about it I must. God's grace triumphed over my darkest hour. Perhaps God will use that testimony to encourage someone else. Through 2 Corinthians 4:15 God said to me, Beverly, "all this [was] for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." Here I am, Lord - Your vessel of clay - Your cracked pot (pun intended) - shine through me!
Do you see in each of those things we guard in our response to fear that we are focusing on the fear instead of on God? We guard ourselves and focus on what we may lose. We guard our rights and focus on what we think we deserve. We guard our image and focus on what we may fail to attain. When we turn our focus to the God of love . . . When we fix our focus on WHO He is . . . on who we are IN Him . . . then we are able to let go of fear, grab on to faith, and trust that our needs and desires will be met as we do His will. Do you see that that's exactly what Jesus did in Gethsemane? He let go of His fear, grabbed hold of His faith in His Father, and trusted His Father's will above His own desires. When the torch bearing snake of fire confronted Him face to face and the fangs of the betrayer kissed His cheek, He did not run. He stood steadfastly; committed to doing the Father's will regardless of the cost.
Are you afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? What if the BBW is compulsive eating and you've been like a yo-yo (up and down, up and down) with your weight for years and years. God's helped you lose the weight. Does the BBW offer you ice cream sandwiches and sugar cookies when no one is around to see you eat them and at a time when you are your most vulnerable emotionally? Are you afraid? What if the BBW is a dreaded disease like cancer that threatens the life of your husband, your mother or one of your children (or grandchildren)? Are you afraid? What if the BBW is financial loss that threatens your home and security? What if it threatens your livelihood - your job or your retirement investments? Are you afraid? What if the BBW is an assault of the enemy on the unity in your church? What if the BBW and his emissaries are causing believers in your church to wound one another so badly it is laying them in the dust at the feet of the One who came to save them? Are you afraid? What if the BBW wears a dress and is threatening to steal your husband and all your dreams for a long and happy marriage? Are you afraid? What if the BBW __________ (you fill in the blank)? Are you afraid?
Yes, all of us are afraid sometimes. That's human. But fear doesn't have to rule our lives.
There is no room in love for fear.
Well-formed love banishes fear.
Since fear is crippling, a fearful life -
fear of death, fear of judgment -
is one not yet fully formed in love.
I John 4:18 (MSG)
When the Big Bad Wolf comes knocking on your door, tell him there's no room for fear in your house and focus on the God of Love. Ask God to perfect His love in you. He will do it!!! Let FEAR be the one who flees! "Well-formed love banishes fear" (The Message) "Perfect love drives out fear." (NIV)
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