From Fear to Gratitude

Yesterday I wrote about fear in "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf." As part of discussing how, out of fear, we often guard our image; I made the observation that on the outskirts of my depression, "no one in my life held me accountable." That wasn't a true statement.

I have a precious friend at church who is one of my greatest encouragers about writing this blog. There was a season of our lives - maybe ten years ago or so - when she and I had the luxury of sharing a lot more time, activities and conversation with one another than we do today. My fault - not hers! During my years in the wilderness of depression, I withdrew from church, activities, friendships . . . and life itself as much as I could.

I am SO grateful to God for gifting me with a friend who has the courage to speak the truth in love. She reminded me at church this morning that she HAD, indeed, tried to hold me accountable at one point. As I have thought back this afternoon over my past relationship with this friend, I have simply been awash with gratitude to God for the times He used her as His instrument to call me to some point of accountability. There are literally too many to count! What a gift she has! Sometimes God would use a simple question she would ask that would challenge me to rethink an attitude or decision. Sometimes He would use a comment she'd make. And sometimes, I'd find myself wishing she'd keep her opinions to herself because it was easier just to be comfortable in what I was thinking or feeling at the time. GRIN! How we love our comfort zones!

I told her once that her friendship required a lot of energy. She wasn't quite sure how to take that but, it was a fact that I honestly appreciated about her. A friendship that challenges you to line up your every decision and attitude with the standard of God's word is a friendship that is definitely worth the energy it takes to maintain!

One of the things God has reminded me of today is a specific time when I avoided her presence because I didn't want to be held accountable for what I was doing. Rebellion is rebellion, you know! When she reminded me this morning that she had tried to hold me accountable, she said that she felt, in the particular episode she was thinking of, the conversation we had that day had been a turning point . . . the beginning of my withdrawal from her and a change in our friendship. I don't remember the incident (yet) but have asked the Remembrancer to bring it back to my mind. She and I plan to talk about it later. What I do recognize - and thank God for revealing - is that what she said rings 100% true to my character. It's probably my #1 defense mechanism. Hurt me and I withdraw. And sometimes being held accountable hurts, doesn't it? My mother has always said that from the time I was a very young child, whenever she scolded me - no matter how gently - I would give her the cold shoulder for a goodly period of time afterwards. OUCH!

I guess what I'm saying is that I may have thought no one held me accountable but that's not true. I turned a deaf ear to counsel I didn't want to hear. I turned my back and stiffened my neck to my caring friend and a couple of others I can think about. Over the next few years, I withdrew from many relationships. And, obviously this is something I've consistently done for many years. Childhood to the present. When life gets difficult - I withdraw. I hide. I jump in a hole and bury my head. YIKES!

So does that mean I can't change? Nope! Not on your life! If God has shown me one thing over the last year or so, it's that NOTHING is impossible for Him. No stronghold is too strong that He can't break it. No pit is so deep that He can't lift me out. He is EL GIBBOR . . . the MIGHTY GOD whose goings forth have been from everlasting to everlasting. I am asking God to help me change. I need accountability in my life. I MUST have it!! I am asking my wonderful friend with her gift of exhortation to keep asking questions, keep challenging, keep holding me accountable. And I told her that if I turn my back on her counsel again, I want her to grab hold of my shirttail and not let me go until I turn around and listen!

• I have no fear of accountability. I welcome it in the name of Jesus. With all my heart I want to be REAL - AUTHENTIC - and 100% sold out to God. So, I'm grateful for accountability and the people God uses to bring it into my life.
• I have no fear of change. I welcome it in the name of Jesus. I'm grateful for every ounce of change God is working in my life and for those of you who will pray for me as I yield my little lump of clay to the Potter's hands.
• I have no fear of the hard work change will take. I welcome it in the name of Jesus. I'm grateful that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

I have moved from fear to gratitude. I LOVE the way The Message words Romans 8:15

"This resurrection life you received from God

is not a timid grave-tending life.

It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike,

What's next Papa?"