The Wilderness and the House of the Lord

Part 3! This is the part I have been dreading writing. This is the part when I have to tell you about a time I

was NOT glad when they said unto me

let us go into the house of the Lord.

This morning I was praying about what I should share in this post. I began to think about what joy it had been yesterday writing the first two installments about my life journey with the Lord and became totally overwhelmed by gratitude . . . Gratitude for God's abundance of blessing in my life over the years . . . but beyond that, gratitude for being able to look at my entire life and trace His Sovereignty at work. What an awesome thing! I tried to tell God how thankful that made me but my words seemed totally inadequate.

I don't like to remember this period of my life and I began to tell God how I was dreading writing this final installment when He gently asked me a question: "Was I less Sovereign when you were in the wilderness?"

GULP!! Oh my! No. No. A thousand times NO. He most assuredly was NOT!

God is Sovereign and that's a FACT. What I do or don't do - where I go or don't go - will never diminish His Sovereignty. God is sovereign and NOTHING happens in our lives that He doesn't either ordain or allow.

A few years ago I entered a time of depression that I liken to an exile in the wilderness. When Moses, under God's mighty hand of deliverance, brought the Israelites out of Egypt in the exodus, God did not ordain that they wander for forty years in the desert of Sinai before entering the Promised Land. But, because of their sin and rebellion, He certainly allowed it. In the same way, I do not believe God ordained that I enter the exile of depression. But because of my sin and rebellion, He allowed it. In His great Sovereignty He has used it to teach me to trust Him in ways I might not have known otherwise.

God never left the Israelites during all their many years in the wilderness and He never left me during mine. He guided the Israelites with a cloud by day and a fire by night in the midst of the wilderness. He guided me by the presence of His Spirit within me even though I quenched and grieved the Spirit at times. He sustained the Israelites with manna and He sustained me with the manna of His word that was stored in the recesses of my heart and mind during my years "in the house of the Lord."

I cannot pinpoint and exact time I entered my exile. I do not remember the exact time I put my jewelry in the fire and began to fashion it into the golden idol of my rebellion. God is still gently showing me some of my first steps that led me to the precipice that would become a downward spiral into a deep and very dark pit.

Most of you understand what it's like to be depressed - moody, blue, down in the dumps - but, hopefully, fewer of you understand what it's like to be IN a depression. And, even for those of you who have been in that wilderness, I imagine you each would have very different stories of how you got there, what it was like while you were there, and how you got out.

Indisputably the most difficult thing about my depression for me to understand was not wanting to go to church. If you read my earlier two posts, you know that being active and involved in a local church had been an integral part of my life for most of my remembrance. It was, in some ways, essential to my completeness as a person. It was a large part of what made "me" me.

Depression eased its way into my life. Why not? I'd certainly opened the door for it many times over the years as I brooded and pouted about circumstances instead of surrendering them to God. Depression had an open invitation - no RSVP necessary. But this time, it came to stay and it brought with it an enveloping fog. The fog clouded my vision. I no longer saw things clearly. I viewed everything from a negative perspective. The fog clouded my hearing. Things people said to me would be misunderstood or misinterpreted. The fog clouded my perception. I would attend church or read my Bible and I would not sense God's presence. It became harder and harder to go to church. The fog grew increasingly darker and thicker. At church, with my distorted vision, I saw only the phonies and the hypocrites. At church, with my distorted hearing, what was meant as a word of encouragement would hurt my feelings. In the fog I nursed my wounds and they grew scabs of resentment. Soon they turned to scars of bitterness. It was in this fog that I left the church. I left the church for self-imposed exile. For you see, that's what depression does best. It ISOLATES you.

I left the church but I did not leave God. He's my Father and I am His child. His Holy Spirit lives within me. And though, I grieved and quenched the working of His Spirit during this time, He used the truths He'd buried deep within my heart and soul during those years in the house of the Lord to continue to woo me back to Him. Apart from Him . . . apart from His church . . . apart from His people, I was MISERABLE and unhappy. When I stepped away from church I began a descent into the downward spiral of depression where the fog continued to grow increasingly thicker - and blacker - until it ended in a palpable darkness.

It was from this pit that He lifted me. "He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure." (Psalm 40:2) No fog envelops the Rock. It's high and lifted up. The only thing that envelops it is the cloud of His presence. His presence restores the clarity of our vision. It opens our ears to hear truth. It protects our perception.

I've written before about how God used a minor medical emergency to get my attention. When He lifted me from the pit and began His work of healing and deliverance, He reminded me that I am a triune being just as He is. I was created in His image. I am body, soul, and spirit. My depression had roots in all three areas and I needed healing in all three areas. He is God over all three areas. You don't have to trust body to a medical doctor, soul to a psychologist or counselor, and spirit to God. That doesn't mean you don't need a medical doctor and need to listen to their advice. That doesn't mean you don't need a counselor or therapist. It just simply means that GOD is who you trust to heal you. You trust him to give the "experts" He leads you to the wisdom and knowledge to care for you. You are His beloved child and He cares deeply about every aspect of your well-being. You are triune - but you are also one - and that "one" belongs to HIM - your Maker!

When God lifted me from the pit in my wilderness exile and put me on the ROCK, He made my steps secure . . . and He directed those steps right back to His house and His people. Once again

I was GLAD when they said unto me,

let us go into the house of the Lord.

For more than a year now, I have awakened EVERY Sunday morning with an excited anticipation about going to the Lord's house. I have the luxury of having a little longer block of time for my quiet time on Sunday mornings. Many times God meets with me in such a special way before church that I can hardly wait to GET to church to see what's next!

What an awesome, Sovereign God we serve! Abba! Balm of Gilead! Comforter! Deliverer! Eternal! Faithful! Giver of Grace! Holy! Intercessor! Judge of all! King Eternal! Light of the World! Merciful Father! Never-failing One! Omnipotent! Potter! Quickener! Rock of salvation! Sanctifier! Teacher! Unchanging! Victorious! Warrior! eXalted! Your glory! Zion's Righteous King!